Fix This - 6.1.25
One thing that separates outstanding screenwriters from mediocre screenwriters is, well, their writing. Fixing format mistakes and making little adjustments to your sentences can have a huge impact on the overall quality of your work.
If you were tasked with rewriting the excerpt below, what changes would you make?
First thing’s first, there’s a mistake in the slugline. Did you catch it? Always make sure your scene headings tell us whether it’s DAY or NIGHT. Sometimes, you’ll see writers use more specific times like SUNSET or EARLY MORNING. If you feel you must do that, do it sparingly. Stick to DAY or NIGHT as much as you can.
What else would you change?
Next, Katie’s character description can be improved. There’s a tendency to want to describe characters (especially female characters) by how they look, not who they are. This example is doubly problematic because her description is also incredibly cliché. There are infinite ways to write a better description. Here’s one idea…
You may have noticed that writing a better description added length to your first paragraph. In general, we recommend paragraphs are no longer than four lines. To fix this issue, we’re moving the last sentence into the second paragraph.
Moving along, don’t forget to put bartender in all caps because this is the first time we’re seeing that character. Also, it would help to give the character just a little bit of a description. Don’t spend a ton of space on this, but a few brief details would help the reader understand the scene. A bubbly college-aged bartender is much different than an ancient barmaid.
Lastly, there’s a bit of unnecessary repetition at the end of the scene. Shaking your head means the same thing as saying no, so Katie doesn’t need to do both. Choose one and cut the other. All things equal, we tend to favor physical action over dialogue.
That’s all, folks! For more guidance on how to write your best script yet, check out our Screenwriting Essentials program. You'll walk away with everything you need to develop and write a professional-grade script for a film producers—and audiences—will love.