Fix This - 5.18.25

You may scoff, but Hollywood folks-–readers, agents, producers, directors, and actors–-care about well-written sentences. Not taking time to rewrite and rewrite until your prose snaps, crackles, and pops will make your script stand out... but not in the way you want.

Rewriting is like a muscle. You have to exercise it to make it strong. Get some practice by looking at the short excerpt below. What would you change to make the writing better?

The first issue with the excerpt is that there’s description in the slugline. A slugline tells us three things—whether the scene is inside or outside, the location, and whether it’s day or night. Additional details belong in the scene description.

Moving along, there’s no reason to include “we open" in your action description. It takes up space and it’s unnecessary information. Plus, it creates distance between the reader and what’s happening. Let the reader live in your story. We’ll know based on your description that the scene opens on this image. There’s no need to tell us. Also, when you remove “we open”, make sure everything you write in action is in present tense.

The next fix is an easy one. We assume because there’s character description that this is the first time we’re meeting Travis. When a character first appears in your screenplay, remember to put their name in all caps. (It can be written normally after that.)

The last change we’d consider is that the last line is borderline novelistic writing. Everything in a screenplay should be something an actor can act and/or an audience can see on the screen. Though sentence could be considered visual, but a little extra detail would make it more clear.

Here’s one idea…

It’s amazing how many changes can be made in a few short sentences!

For more help getting your script in the best shape possible, check out our professional script notes. We’ll give you an in-depth analysis of all the major elements of your story and help you improve your writing style.