Fix This - 4.27.25

Great stories start with great writing. And readers? They know within the first page if you’ve got it. Catching flaws in your own work is tough—so train your eye here first.

What would you change about the excerpt below?

The first mistake we recommend fixing is the parenthetical above Mark’s first line of dialogue. Any time you see one of your parentheticals taking up two lines, it’s an indicator that action description is likely sneaking into the wrong place. Sometimes, you can cut parentheticals because the dialogue makes sense without them, but in this case, the reader needs to know Mark is referring to the armrest for the line to make sense. To make the parenethical work without sacrificing clarity, the writer can either move that sentence into action description or rewrite the parenthetical like this…

The next change is an easy one. Lena’s line, “It’s 3 hours” should be “It’s three hours.” As a rule of thumb, always write out numbers in your screenplay.

1 more change to go! Oops… we mean, one more change…

Last, there’s some unnecessary repetition at the end of the scene. When Mark is described as resigned and then says “Ugh, whatever”, the writer is telling us the same thing twice. Our recommendation would be to cut one of them. The easy thing to do is delete the word “resigned”, but often times, the scene is better when you get rid of the dialogue. It gives your actors something to act, not just words to say.

A few little tweaks and you’re on your way to better writing!

For more help getting your script in the best shape possible, check out our professional script notes. We’ll give you an in-depth analysis of all the major elements of your story and help you improve your writing style.