Fix This - 5.4.25

When you take the time to analyze your writing, it's amazing how many opportunities you can find to improve it. Take a look at the excerpt below. It might seem perfectly passable, but upon closer inspection, there are several ways to make it better. 

 Can you find them?

The first issue with the excerpt is that the opening paragraph is waaaaay toooo looooong. Some detail is good, too much is not. Though this description paints a vivid picture, it’s taking up too much space. (As a rule of thumb, try to keep the paragraphs in your action description to four lines max.) Screenwriters have to find ways to make their writing compelling AND concise.

There are a ton of ways this description could be shortened. Here’s one idea…

The next mistake is the word “magical” is in italics. If you want to emphasize words in dialogue, they should be underlined. People sometimes get hung up on why this is important. The answer is simple… italics are easy to miss when a reader is reading fast. Also, it’s one of the simplest fixes to make in your script so why not make it?

The bigger question to ask is does this word really need to be emphasized at all? Too much underlining is distracting and you run the risk of micromanaging the actors. We left it underlined in this excerpt, but always question if the emphasis is necessary. Here (and in your own script), you might decide it’s not.

In the last paragraph, Remi “makes her way” toward a candy display. “Makes her way” is not strong writing. There are so many other ways to say this that would paint a clearer picture. Does she skip? Scamper? Stroll? A little detail here makes a big difference for how we imagine the scene. Find the verb that describes what you see in your head. (Want more tips like this? Download a free copy of our 7 Deadly Sins of Writing List for words and phrases you can cut or replace to make your writing stronger.)

We could leave the excerpt here, but if you’re looking for bonus points, you may have noticed that rewriting the last paragraph turned “jeweler” into an orphan word. (Orphan words are single words that end up on a line by themselves.) When possible, it’s a good idea to try to remove these from your script. Why waste an entire line on one measly word?

Here’s one way the paragraph could be rewritten…

For more help getting your script in the best shape possible, check out our professional script notes. We’ll give you an in-depth analysis of all the major elements of your story and help you improve your writing style.