Fix This - 11.24.24

The two ingredients for a successful screenplay are 1.) the story and 2.) how you tell it. How you tell it means how it’s written. If the writing is sloppy, it’s hard to follow or get excited about the story. Make your writing as strong as you can. Here’s an example of writing that could be improved. 

 What changes would you make?

The first thing that needs fixing is the slugline. A slugline tells the reader (and location manager and assistant director) where the scene takes place. It does not say what’s happening in the scene. Here, Cynthia’s house is the location. The house party is what’s happening. Move that detail into the scene description.

Looking at the second slugline, you might notice that the scene heading and the scene description are repetitive. One option would be to rewrite the scene description so you don’t say the same thing twice. The other option is to cut the second slugline. Because you haven’t really changed locations, there’s no need for the second scene heading.

The next problem with this scene is the misuse of the parenthetical. Parentheticals are used to describe how an actor should deliver the line if it’s not clear from the dialogue itself. For example, if the dialogue reads like the character is excited, but they’re actually being sarcastic.

Here, the writer has written action in the parenthetical. Whoops! It should be rewritten like this…

One more tweak… Quentin Tarantino (among others) has a piece of writing advice: cut the first and last two lines of dialogue from every scene. While the rule may not always hold true, it could certainly be put into action here. It’s obvious to the reader where Rodrigo is headed, so there’s no reason to have the meathead ask him. The scene holds up without those two lines, which means you don’t need them...

Did you have other ideas for improving this scene? We’d love to hear them!

And if you want help getting your script in shape, send it to us for professional script notes. We’ll help you identify what’s working and what needs work to take your screenplay to the next level.