Fix This - 11.10.24

Good writing matters. When a reader picks up your script, they don’t know you have an amazing midpoint. But they can tell right away if you’re a good writer. This gives them confidence in you and makes them want to keep reading. 

Take a look at the excerpt below. Imagine it’s from the opening scene of a script. How would you improve it? 

There are a lot of ways to improve this excerpt. Let’s walk through the fundamentals.

First thing’s first… if this is the beginning of the screenplay, it should say FADE IN: above the first slugline. (Note: Final Draft will automatically put two spaces between FADE IN: and the slugline. It should be one. To make this change, place your cursor on the slugline and click Format > Space Before > 1.)

What else would you change?

The next issue with this excerpt is it contains a “naked slugline.” A naked slugline is when you go straight from the scene heading to dialogue. At the beginning of every scene, be sure to describe the setting before characters speak.

Also, there’s no need to repeat “café” in the scene description when it’s already in the slugline. You can move and rewrite the line to look like this…

You’ve described the setting. Now, it’s time to tell us which characters are present. This helps orient the reader before diving into the scene. In the excerpt above, Betty starts speaking before we know she’s there. That’s a recipe for confusion. Tell us who’s in the room. Also, because this is the first time we’ve met her, you need to give the reader a little character introduction.

(Bonus point if you know to use all caps to introduce characters but said her name should not be in bold.)

Let’s make the updates…

Hmmm, that’s an improvement, but we think it can be stronger. Remember, it’s better to tell the reader something about who your character is, not just what the character is wearing. Do you think an actor would be more excited to play Betty as described above or below?

One change to go!

We recommend, if possible, trying to incorporate conflict into your first scene (or first line!). “Another beautiful day” is sort of a throwaway line. It’s not very compelling. A better way to hook the reader is to put your character in some kind of trouble. It doesn’t have to be major trouble. It doesn’t have to be the main problem in your story. But, adding a little pressure piques your reader’s interest early on.

Whew! That was a lot of changes needed to improve just a few short lines. For help getting your script in shape, send it to us for professional script notes. We’ll help you identify what’s working and what needs work to take your screenplay to the next level.