Fix This - 6.29.25
When you start reading a script or a novel, it's clear almost immediately if the writing is excellent or mediocre. Even before you get to the end of the first scene, you know if the writer knows what they're doing... at least as far as sentences and formatting are concerned. (You'll have to hang in longer to see if they can pull off a great third act twist.)
Give your reader immediate confidence in your work by paying attention to your story at the sentence level.
Take a look at the excerpt below. What would you improve?
There’s something a little clunky about the first paragraph. It doesn’t seem to flow as smoothly as it could. In our opinion, the problem stems from “of the”.
In other languages, “of the” is required. In English, it’s not always necessary. Oftentimes, you can get rid of it to make you’re writing smoother. That’s why we’ve added it to our 7 Deadly Sins of Writing List.
In this excerpt, the first “of the” can be cut. It’s clear he’s getting out of the car, just tell us he’s getting out. In the second instance, “bar of the hotel” can simply be rewritten as “hotel bar”.
Search for “of the” in your script and see if there are places you can cut or rewrite it.
Next up, a formatting mistake! In this example, we don’t see Allen talking, we only hear his voice through Barbara’s cell. That needs to be made clearer in the script. If your characters are talking on the phone and we don’t see one of them onscreen, don’t forget to add (V.O.) above their dialogue next to their character name.
Moving along, the writer has included a line of action that says, “Barbara knows he’s lying.” Well… duh. We all just watched Allen go into the hotel bar. We ALL know he’s lying. You don’t need to tell us what we already know. If you wanted to rewrite this line to tell us what Barbara does when she knows he’s lying, that would be a better use of space. (e.g. Barbara frowns. Barbara picks at her nail, emotionless. Barbara fights back tears.) Or, you could cut the action line and let the actor determine how Barbara would respond in this moment.
One last thing to point out… there’s a tendency for writers to overwrite scenes. In other words, they let it go on too long. You can see an example of it here. Instead of ending the conversation at the best / punchiest part, the writer has added a final line of dialogue for Allen. Might Allen say this in real life? Yes. But does the conversation end with more oomph if Barbara hangs up on him after her line? Also, yes.
Look at the conversations in your script. Do they all end where they should?
There you go—a few little changes and the writing is much improved.
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