Fix This - 1.19.25
When you start reading a script or a novel, it's obvious almost right away if the writing is excellent or mediocre. Even before you get to the end of the first scene, you know if the writer knows what they're doing... at least as far as sentences and formatting are concerned. (You'll have to hang in longer to see if they can pull off a great third act twist.)
Give your reader immediate confidence in your work by paying attention to your story at the sentence level.
Take a look at the excerpt below. What would you improve?
Looking at the first sentence, there’s information that’s repetitive from the slugline. You don’t need to say “in front of his house” because the scene heading has already told us where we are. Plus, we recommend ending a sentence with the strongest word or image. It packs more punch. (Like the last line of a joke… you know… the punchline. Get it?) Here, the image of the two Mercedes is more interesting than “in front of his house.”
If you take the advice about putting the most compelling part of the sentence at the end, you probably noticed there’s work to do on sentence number two. “In the truck bed” is less interesting than “A metal ice chest gleams.” Switch those two parts, and the sentence will feel stronger.
Let’s move on to the second paragraph. Cicadas and argument need to be in ALL CAPS because they’re sound effects. Plus, as you may have noticed, neighbors has a grammatical error. Your spell check won’t pick that one up, so it’s crucial you give your script a very close read for this kind of mistake.
There’s another thing that needs fixing, and it’s arguably the biggest one in this whole excerpt. Do you know what it is?
The answer—the whole second paragraph needs to be moved to the beginning of the scene. Why? Because it sets the ambience for everything that follows. Think of it like this… broad details first, specific details after. The second paragraph sets the overall mood. Start with that!
Just a few simple changes make a big difference for the writing quality. For more insight on how to construct great sentences, sign up for our self-paced screenwriting course, Screenwriting Essentials. We devote an entire lesson to strengthening the words on the page so you can write sentences that will wow your reader.