Fix This - 12.29.24

Space in a screenplay is limited. You only have about 110 pages to tell an entire story, so the writing has to be clear, concise, and compelling. 

Take a look at the excerpt below. What changes would you make?

The first mistake is the slugline is missing the time of day. After the location, you always need to tell the reader whether it’s DAY or NIGHT. Sometimes, you’ll see writers use EVENING, MORNING, MIDNIGHT, etc. It’s okay to use specific times very sparingly if you really need to, but it’s best to write either DAY or NIGHT after the location.

Does anything feel a little off when you read the action at the beginning of this scene? If something bumps for you, it’s probably that “up” in “ambles up” and “looks up” is repetitive. The description reads better when you cut “up” from the first sentence.

We’ve fixed some small mistakes, now let’s talk about the biggest change you can make to this excerpt. The important parts of this scene are that Paul is looking for stork beak pliers and the clerk catches him trying to steal the gum. Because you don’t have a ton of real estate in a script for things that aren’t important, you want to streamline your scenes as much as possible. This scene suffers from what we call “chit chat dialogue.” In real life, people make small talk. In screenplays, you can usually cut it. Save that space for something that matters to your story.

Another mistake this excerpt makes is it doesn’t write out the aisle number in words. Numbers in dialogue should always be written out so the actors know what you want them to say. Here, it might seem obvious the clerk should say “ten”, but it could also be read as “one-zero.” Make sure what you intend is clear for the actor.

Last, but not least, you can cut one more line from this excerpt. There’s really no need for the clerk to say “yep” after Paul thanks her. Making little trims like this throughout your script will add up. If you make enough of them, you can cut pages out of your screenplay.

The new version of this scene accomplishes the same thing as the original, but look how much shorter it is!

If you want help getting your script in tip-top shape, send it to us for professional script notes. In addition to suggestions for how to improve your writing, we’ll do a deep dive on your story, characters, structure, scenes, and dialogue.