Fix This - 3.23.25

We encourage writers to get the major elements of their stories in place before turning their attention to fixing their writing. Why spend time fine-tuning a scene you might end up cutting? Once you've got your story in tip-top shape, however, it's time to dive into the words on the page. 

Let's practice! What would you change about the excerpt below?

The first problem is the writer has included a specific time in the slugline. Whoops! The correct thing to do is to write either DAY or NIGHT after the location. Remember, the screenplay isn’t only for the actors. It’s also for the crew. Your assistant director will use the script to make a schedule for the shoot. They need to be able to figure out which scenes will be shot in daylight and which will be shot at night. Make their life as easy as possible by only writing DAY or NIGHT in the slugline.

If it’s critical that the audience knows it’s 7PM for the story to make sense, put that information in the action description. It could be a visual—like a clock on the wall—or a SUPER telling us what time it is.

Moving on, there’s a moment of confusion at the end of the first paragraph where it says the rain is falling against the glass. What glass? The wine glass? The glass window?

In this case, it was the latter, but that needs to be made more clear in the writing. If you leave something open for misinterpretation, your reader might take you up on it. Avoid that by being specific.

The next problem… parentheticals! For one thing, there are too many. For another, they’re often used incorrectly. Use parentheticals when you really need to tell an actor how to deliver a line because it’s not clear from the dialogue itself. Don’t use them to micromanage the talent. Also, remember that action belongs in the action description, not a parenthetical.

Here’s one way you could rewrite the excerpt…

Last major change is getting rid of the unnecessary “What?”. Sometimes, you might see this used for comedic effect, but there’s no need to have Layla repeat exactly what she just said in this scene. By getting rid of it, you save a bunch of space that can be used elsewhere in your script for something more important.

That’s all, folks!

Now that you’ve have practice fixing mistakes in other people’s writing, see if you can make any of these changes in your own.

While you’re at it, sign up for Screenwriting Essentials. We’ll help you identify where your script needs help. Not just the sentences, the big stuff too!